The Weight Of Us Read online

  I hope he doesn’t disappoint Ma. She’s had enough heartache lately. I know this is hard for Nathan, even if I don’t understand what he’s going through. His doctor said he has survivor’s guilt. I am afraid being here and coming to terms with Joe’s death is going to make him worse instead of better. And I don’t know why Ma insisted on inviting that bitch Felecia here. She doesn’t give a shit about Nate. They dated all through high school. She was a dirty whore then and she’s still one now. She comes to the bar sometimes. Even had the audacity to make a pass at Joe JR before he got serious with Audrey.

  However, I put on a smile and tell her how lovely it is to see her as she gets out of her car. She’s dressed in a barely there black slip of a dress made of sheer material. I can see her nipples. Ugh! She follows me inside having come here many times over the years.

  I make a mad dash upstairs to get away from her and reapply my makeup in my old bathroom. I can hear her fawning over Ma, her voice is carrying through the vent as she asks if she can do anything to help. She goes on and on making a spectacle of herself. “I think it’s fate that Nate is back home, and I’m recently divorced. He always was so handsome. I bet he’s even more fine now,” she gushes. Ugh, no, she isn’t sinking her teeth back into my brother. Not on my watch. “He’s handsome like you are, Dad.” She did not just call my father dad, gah. He’s Big Joe to everyone, including her sluttastic-self.

  I just know this whole night will end up being miserable. I almost wish I had asked Audrey to come. At least she’d keep Ma busy and unable to play matchmaker.

  Unable to hide out upstairs any longer, I make my appearance as the rest of the guests arrive. Dad and my cousin Brian are setting up the last of the chairs and tables under the tent out back. My folks always go all out for a party. Brian waves at me. I feel so bad for him. Karen, his ex-wife left him while he was out of town receiving training for his job. I wish he could find a good girl to settle down with now that the divorce is final. I wonder if it would be weird if I tried to set him up with Audrey?

  Felecia and Ma are going behind the guys with tablecloths and silverware.

  “Nattie, start bringing out the centerpieces, they’re in the hall closet.”

  I smile, but inside I am grumbling. It’s an awful lot of trouble to go to for someone who doesn’t even want to be here. The least Nate could do is put in an appearance and spend some time with the people who love him.

  The smell of food is making my stomach turn as more dishes show up on the kitchen table to be carried outside to the buffet. Someone turns on the stereo and the top 40 blares through the speakers over the chatter.

  Like the good daughter I am, I start dragging the box of battery-operated candles and flower arrangements out the back door, when a hand on my back stops me dead in my tracks.

  “Need a hand, Bunny?” Trey. I freeze. I’ve not seen him in a year. Why is he here? Why now? He sure as shit didn’t show when we buried my brother, one of his supposed best friends. “You going to spend the evening staring at your toes, or are you gonna let me help,” he says with a shit eating grin. I can’t see his face, but I know it’s plastered on his smug face.

  “Have at it.” I back away not bothering to look at him. If I do, I will be a goner. Trey has the most hypnotic grey eyes I’ve ever seen. Not to mention the rest of him that is just as pretty. Yeah, he’s pretty. The man is perfection. He’s dessert after Sunday dinner. He’s an asshole too.

  Since I was a little girl all I wanted was to be with him. I crushed on him so hard, he was Nate’s buddy too, they even enlisted together. I saved myself for him and one weekend when he was home on leave he got what he wanted from me then he vanished. It was the best night of sex I’ve ever had. No one has been able to measure up to him. I’ve compared every man I’ve slept with since to him.

  I don’t know what happened. I don’t know what I did wrong to make him flake out on me completely after he said he loved me, that he had always loved me.

  Whenever I would bring his name up to Joe JR, he’d get this weird look on his face and change the subject, like something smelled bad.

  Audrey said they had stopped speaking, Joe and Trey, but she claimed not to know why. I never knew if it had anything to do with me.

  I follow Trey outside to the tent, I still have to help Ma, she’ll have my ass if I don’t. And speaking of asses if Trey’s don’t look damn good in those dark jeans he’s wearing. I recall how fine it looks out of them too. I remember digging my nails into his tight cheeks briefly. His blond hair curls around his ears, needing a trim. I want to run my fingers through his messy hair, and then down to his neck to choke him.

  For not calling.

  For not writing.

  For not saying anything at all.

  “Trey Darlington,” Ma yells at him as he sits the box down. “Get over here and give me a hug. It’s been way too long.”

  “Hey, Ma. I’m so sorry about Joe, I wanted to be here.”

  “I know you did.” She pats his back.

  Huh, so Trey can keep my mom up to date with his whereabouts but not me. Jerk.

  I do my best to ignore his eyes traveling over me as I set out the candles and flip them on, adding the flowers accent them as they glow.

  “You okay there, Bunny? You seem to be pissed at those flowers.”

  Grr. Why is he talking to me again? And why is he calling me Bunny? He lost the rights to that nickname when he fucked me and left me without a word. Was it that horrible? Was I imagining the off the walls chemistry we shared? I must have been, but damn if my cheeks don’t turn red remembering the way he touched me.

  He shoved me against the wall and ripped my shirt open. My buttons popped off and rolled across the floor. His mouth was on my neck, his tongue tracing a delicious pattern down to my breasts.

  I shake my head. I don’t need to remember. I’d be better off if I could forget all about Trey Darlington, and the power his touch holds over me.

  “I’m great. Never been better, you? Oh, it’s been what? A year since we’ve spoke. But you weren’t much on chit chat last time I saw you,” I spit my words at him in an angry whisper.

  The ghost of his hands travels my waist and unbuttons my pants as his kisses are peppered across my stomach. Images of him pulling my pants down as I pulled his hair dance in my mind on replay.

  “Can we talk. Later? I know I screwed up with you.” He’s making an effort, but it’s too little too late.

  However, my heart and my mouth are in disagreement with my head when I say, “Sure, I’d like that, Trey.” And dear God, I just have to bat my lashes. I might as well rub up against him and shove my tits in his face too.

  “Good.” He grins, dazzling me with his charming smile.

  I’m saved from choking on more of my words by the arrival of Nate. About damn time too.

  Chapter 10

  Nate

  Parking my bike in the garage after weaving through the cars, I can hear the chatter and laughter cutting through the music. As much as I hate shit like this, I know Ma and the old man are enjoying it. They love a full house. Ma always said she would never have a quiet house. She just knew her three kids were going to give her tons of grandkids. Well, I am sure Joe JR would have, and there is still hope for Natalie. I’m too fucked up to be a dad. Thinking about kids makes my palms sweaty and my head hurt.

  I sneak into the kitchen while everyone is gathering outside and take one of my pills. I know a few people that are here, but the crowd of people waiting to see me makes me anxious. At the bar, I was able to hang back, doing my own thing, and no one bothered me, other than Audrey. I know as soon as I step outside, I will be bombarded with hugs, well wishes, and questions about overseas. Not to mention condolences for my brother. I don’t need their apologies. It’s done and over with.

  He’s dead and gone, and life must go on without him. I try to ignore his tombstone staring at me from the other end of the lawn as I walk out to the tent where everyone is taking their seats. A
unts, Uncles, cousins, friends—exes.

  Why is Felecia here? Shit, I wasn’t prepared for this. Her nasally laugh echoes through the trees as she slinks her way over to where I stand. Of course she’s the first to notice me.

  “Oh my God! Look at you all manly and beefed up. The Army did your body good.” She bites her bottom lip and winks as she squeezes my arm. My dick shrivels at the sight of her. She always did try too hard. I can see her nipples broad as day. I know Ma is behind this, I just don’t understand why.

  I liked Felecia well enough when we dated, but I’m not looking to pick up where we left off. I take a step back as she circles me like her prey.

  “You haven’t changed a bit,” I say attempting to be polite.

  “This old thing, I just threw it on right quick. I couldn’t wait to get over here and see everyone. I ran into your Ma at the grocery store, and when she told me you were home, I knew I just had to see you for myself.”

  I roll my eyes. It all makes perfect sense. She invited herself. Figures.

  “Well good to see ya.” I step past her and make for my Uncle Sid. He can’t hear, and he loves to drink beer, making the perfect companion.

  My dad joins us at the far end of the tent. “That there’s a sure thing. Thought maybe you’d be happy to see her.” He stares past me to Felecia as she makes an ass out of herself.

  I don’t know what she was expecting to get out of showing up here, but I want no part of her.

  “Not interested.” No not in the least. A certain woman who shouldn’t be on my mind is taking up way too much space in my head. I can’t get her voice out of my head. I can’t believe Audrey is that girl, from three years ago. Funny I met her first, and she doesn’t know it. I wonder if Joe would find that ironic.

  Ma’s eyes find me, and she smiles so proud that it makes me feel like shit for not wanting to be here. She clinks a fork against a glass to capture everyone’s undivided attention. Her dark eyes roam around the tent so proud of the turnout.

  “I just want to say a few words and then we can all eat. The past few months have been terrible. I wouldn’t wish losing a son on anyone, but today my other son has come home. While we still miss my Joe JR, God love him, I am so happy to have Nate home with us.”

  “Here, here,” rings out around the party.

  “Now let’s eat,” Dad yells with a pat to my back. I join Natalie on the serving side of the buffet to help out, and to avoid Felecia and her barbed tentacles.

  My sis takes care of the sides and I pour drinks. Everyone keeps telling me how great it is to see me, and for Ma’s sake I nod while grinning and bearing all the unwanted attention.

  After everyone has their plates Natalie and I fill ours, taking our places at our parent’s table. Thankfully, Felecia is sitting elsewhere. Looks like Trey is stuck with her. I didn’t even realize he was home. I lost track of him after I landed in Afghanistan.

  His gaze is deadlocked with my sister. Interesting. I wonder what I missed there. He better not of dicked around and broke her heart. I’ll kick his ass. I know the two of them were always crushing on each other. They just thought the rest of us had never noticed.

  “So…what’s with the kill Trey vibe you’re sending out?” I ask before shoving Ma’s pasta salad in my mouth.

  “It isn’t important,” she mumbles.

  “Did he hurt you, say something, what?”

  “Easy, killer. Nothing I can’t handle. By the way, Audrey tells me you’re an asshole. Want to tell me why you went all fuckwad on her today?”

  Ma hears her mention Audrey’s name and has to stick her nose in our conversation. “What about Audrey? Did you meet her? Poor girl.”

  “No,” I answer my nosy sister first, then my even nosier mother. “Yeah. Ma. She’s a good girl,” I lie. I mean not that she’s a horrible person, but in Ma’s eyes she is probably the daughter of the devil himself. No one was ever good enough for her Joe JR. Growing up it was always “look what Joe did, he’s so wonderful.” I was always in his shadow. Not that I ever minded. I knew my role as the bad seed and played my part all too well.

  She accepts what I say and goes back to eating. Conversation ebbs and flows from one topic to the next, but somehow it always circles back to me, and what my plans are.

  “When things pick up with the business, the two of you should buy Audrey’s share or let me buy it. I still can’t believe Joe did that,” Lewis says.

  Dad shakes his head in disagreement and speaks up. “I thought so too at first but the more I’ve thought about it I’ve come to realize that he loved her and wanted to take care of her. Nothing wrong with that. She’s pretty and she’s smart. We should set her up with Brian or you could always step up and marry her, Nate. It’d be the right thing to do. It’d keep the business in the family, and it would keep your brother’s wishes intact.”

  I’m about ready to tell him he needs cut off the beer when Ma starts adding her thoughts. “You know it wasn’t that I never liked Audrey. I just felt she wasn’t right for Joe JR, but her and Nate...” She points her fork at Dad. “I think you are on to something there. They would be well suited. Both have spunk and the babies. They’d have gorgeous babies. I do so want grandbabies to spoil rotten” She’s had way too much wine. It’s the only explanation. She’s talking about me as if I’m not even here. “It’s not like your sister is going to settle down any time soon,” she complains to my sister’s ignorance.

  I’m gaping at my family as they talk about my love life, and future children I don’t plan on fathering. Have they all been hitting the bottle? They’re all crazy. Except for Nattie. I think she is as lost as I am in this conversation.

  I look over at her for support, and she is staring holes through Trey. She must not even be listening to this bullshit.

  I’m speechless. I don’t even know what to say. Wouldn’t matter if I did though. They have moved on to talking about knocking down the wall between the two apartments and making a large one for the babies I am apparently going to make with my dead brother’s girl. Perfect.

  Their delusional warped fantasy conversation pauses when Felecia slithers up to my side and wedges herself between the table and me, as she partially sits on my lap.

  Ma raises a brow. Oh, now she doesn’t like Felecia again now that she’s on team grandbaby with Audrey. The woman is unbelievable. She let her invite herself here. I don’t even know what to say.

  I shouldn’t encourage Felecia, but I rest my chin on her shoulder to get on Ma’s nerves, landing me the “I’ll smack the back of ya head” face.

  “Where’s Audrey, I thought you were bringing her?” Ma questions looking at me. I grimace at Lewis and he throws his hands up laughing, having given up entirely. Great. I’m on my own apparently.

  Natalie pipes in to my bewilderment and says, “She stayed at the bar to run things.” Now she wants to help me out. She’s sat here through the rest of the conversation nodding in agreement, avoiding my pleading eyes desperate for help.

  Is she crazy too? She can’t really think they have a point about Audrey.

  “Nonsense. You should have closed early,” Ma continues and Dad grunts in agreement.

  “Audrey as in Joe’s Audrey?” Felecia looks to me with a puzzled expression.

  “Yeah, apparently she’s having my baby,” I joke with a soft chuckle. I might as well get some enjoyment out of this nightmare.

  “Are you serious?” Felecia looks appalled. “Didn’t you just get back in town?”

  “Dead serious,” Natalie pipes in again, getting in on my joke. She’s never cared for Felecia.

  “I had no idea. I better be going. It was good seeing you all. Thanks for dinner.” She rises quickly and leaves.

  “Bye, Felecia,” Nattie calls after her giggling.

  I shake my head and excuse myself from the table needing a breather from my crazy ass family.

  Trey comes over to me as I am getting dessert, and volunteers to run some boxes over to the apartment for me sin
ce he drove his truck over.

  “What’s up with you and my sister? She looks ready to either pounce and screw you or smack the shit out of you.”

  “I fucked up, and before you beat my ass—I’m going to make it right.”

  “You better,” I warn nudging his shoulder as I carry my plate of cookies and pie back to the table. I’m not getting in the middle of whatever is going on between them, but if he hurts my sister, we’ll have a major problem.

  Thankfully, when I sit down my folks are discussing the new shopping plaza that is being built. I eat my sugary goodness in peace until I am ready to burst.

  “Well this has been great, Ma. Food was stellar. If you’re done planning my future, I’m going to turn in early, it’s been a long day.” I kiss her cheek and go inside to my old room with a couple of beers to try to forget the future my family has envisioned, because I can see it in my head. Audrey and her stomach round with a child of mine, not Joe JR’s. I keep thinking back to the night I met her and wondering what if.

  What if I had stayed the night?

  What if I had given her my number?

  She might have waited for me and already been mine right now.

  What if I want her to be mine?

  What if I did pursue Audrey?

  Would it be out of line?

  Would it be wrong of me to step into Joe Jr’s shoes and honor his memory and take care of the woman he loved so much?

  I’m a terrible person and an even shittier brother for even considering entertaining the thoughts.

  I can’t help it though. Part of me wants to be the good son for once. The guy who gets the girl too.

  Maybe it won’t be with Audrey, but I do want that picture Ma painted more than I thought.

  Chapter 11

  Natalie

  My brother left me on my own to clean up. Figures. He was never one for cleaning up messes. Everyone has finally cleared out except for Trey. He’s lingering in the living room talking to my dad. I shake my head, continuing with rinsing the plates, and shoving them into the dishwasher. Ma had to use the good china, unlike normal people who use paper or Styrofoam plates when they host a big outdoor party.