The Weight Of Us Read online

  I never expected he’d die so young. It should have been me. I’m the fuck up. The embarrassment to the family name.

  The drive to the bar goes quickly. The front windows are tinted lightly to allow privacy. The brick has been painted black and the gold sign out front really stands out.

  A few potted plants decorate the side patio. A sense of pride washes over me. My siblings really fixed this place up and made it look classy.

  Inside, a brunette with hot legs is leaning across the bar and eating the fruit from the bar. She sees me staring and her face turns pale. The strawberry she was just devouring hits the bar top and her mouth hangs open. I don’t know whether to be insulted or flattered. I keep studying her, something about her is so familiar, but I don’t know why.

  Natalie walks in behind me and nudges me in the rib. “That’s Audrey.”

  I clear my throat.

  Fuck, the hottie is my brother’s girl. I should have known by the way he talked about her in his emails.

  Audrey picks her jaw up and waves awkwardly, and then it hits me how much I must look like Joe to her even though my hair is different from his. Natalie gave me a brief description of Audrey but I wasn’t prepared for how breathtakingly beautiful yet sad she appears.

  Suddenly I want that beer I wanted to have with Joe.

  “I can’t do this,” Audrey whispers and runs to the kitchen.

  “She’s having a really hard time,” Natalie offers as explanation.

  “We all are,” I snap at her making an excuse for Audrey. She doesn’t need one. I know it must fucking hurt to see my face.

  I help myself to a beer. My sister starts to comment, and I give her the stink eye to shut her up. I can have a Goddamn beer before noon if I want to. Pinching the bridge of my nose, I take up the stool at the end of the bar.

  “Sweet mother of a ghost.” Lewis crosses his chest and kisses my cheek. “Been a while, handsome.”

  “Long time no see, man.” I down the rest of my beer. Lewis was always a friend in school. He grew up about two blocks down from our house.

  “Guess your mug showing up explains why Audrey is in the cooler having a panic attack.”

  Damn it.

  “Is she okay?” Nattie squawks.

  “On the verge of slitting her wrists like every other day.” Lewis rolls his eyes.

  “I’ll go check on her. Sooner she gets used to my face the better things will be I guess,” I state, starting to get up.

  “Let me go.” My sister shoves around me. “Lewis can show you upstairs to your apartment.”

  “Looks like I get you all to myself, sweet thing.” He flashes his trademark dimpled smile at me.

  “Lewis, we both know there isn’t a damn thing about me that’s sweet.” I chuckle as we head out the front door and around the side of the building to the apartment entrance.

  He hands me a set of keys. “The red one unlocks the stairwell, the blue one is for the bar, and the green one is for your apartment. Natalie has the apartment on the right and you are next to Audrey on the left and share the balcony with her. Nattie said the walls were too thin and you weren’t here to argue.” He waggles his brows.

  “Right.” I roll my eyes and run my hand over my head.

  I take the keys and Lewis returns to the bar to prepare for the lunch crowd.

  My apartment is bare other than a couch and appliances. It’s all I need for now. I know Ma will want me to stay with her, but with the way I sleep, or the way I don’t sleep I should say, I’d feel better being here. But first, I need to get my motorcycle. It’s in the garage at my parent’s house. I can’t wait to get out on the road and clear my head. It’s been too long since I’ve felt the peace of the open road and the rumbling of my bike.

  I keep picturing Audrey’s hurt expression in my head. What can I do though? I can’t change my face. I go to lock up and head downstairs when I hear her sobs melting through my wall.

  I hate to hear a woman cry, it triggers feelings and memories I don’t want to remember. My hands start to shake, I have to grip the kitchen counter and take a deep breath. My mind flashes to a year ago.

  I’m doing door to door checks for members of al-Qaeda. Dario Erol is believed to be in this poor farming village. Kicking in the door I am met by a woman with a newborn clinging to her breast. She’s crying and shoving the baby into my arms saying she doesn’t have milk to feed him. Checking her home while holding her baby wasn’t at the top of my list, but she refused to take him back. His cry was weak, hungry. I knew he was going to die, and there was nothing I could do for either of them.

  A loud crash snaps me out of the past. Audrey, Joe’s girl. Sounds like she’s breaking plates.

  I don’t know what to do, I’m afraid of setting her off more. I hesitate unsure of what to do. I don’t know if I can handle her mental breakdown while trying to keep from having one of my own.

  Natalie saves me from the burden of decision when she knocks lightly and asks if I am ready to head over to see Ma.

  I take a deep breath and scrub my hands over my face. “Yeah,” I call out, hoping my voice holds.

  Chapter 6

  Natalie

  “Is living next to me going to be a problem for Audrey?” Nate questions as we get in the car.

  “I don’t think so. I mean, she will get used to seeing you, in time. She really loved Joe, ya know?” I hope that Nate being around might do Audrey some good. Be the hard dose of reality she needs to snap her back to the land of the living. I’m not saying she needs to start dating or anything. However, getting out of her manic-depressive spiral would be a start.

  “Is she paying us rent for her apartment? How does that all work?”

  I swallow and think of my next words carefully. Nate, like Ma, doesn’t seem to be an Audrey fan. He doesn’t know her, yet. She’s a wonderful person, she’s just a bit lost right now. Joe JR kept her grounded. He was her world.

  “As I’ve told you, Audrey was living with Joe, and well he was planning to propose that night. He had asked Ma for Grandma Mundie’s ring. It was in his pocket when he died…” I have to choke back my tears to continue. If only I was a good sister and had just been happy for him. I shake my head continuing with what I want to say. “Joe, well...you know how practical he was. He had a plan for everything. He knew he wanted to spend his life with Audrey from the start. When Grandfather left us the money, Joe had a Will made up.” I steal a glance at my brother. He’s looking out the window, only when he looks at me and nods for me to finish I see that he is listening. “He left his part of the business and his apartment to Audrey, she’s now our third partner.”

  “Huh,” he says with a grunt. “Guess Ma wasn’t happy about that.”

  “She hasn’t said much about it surprisingly since the reading. At first she was upset but I talked her down.”

  His knee is bouncing, and I wonder if being home is too much for him. What I know that our family doesn’t is that Nate was discharged six months ago. He’s been in a mental health facility, until yesterday. Joe didn’t even know. That’s the real reason he couldn’t attend Joe’s memorial, he didn’t have clearance for his safety and ours. The first few months he was in the hospital he was violent and would have episodes where he thought he was still in combat, and well…it wasn’t pretty.

  “Hey, you okay?” I ask as we pull up to our childhood home.

  “Just ready to take my bike out. Dad said he had it serviced last week and took it down the block.”

  Nate has always had a habit of running away when things get to be too much. I wasn’t shocked when he enlisted in the Army at the rate he was going. Smoking pot and stealing cars. Not exactly something you want to stick around and face punishment for. He’s no longer a troubled youth, beside me now is a hardened man.

  The birdhouse mailbox greets us as I park. The boys built it, and I painted it for Mother’s Day, years ago. I can’t believe it’s still standing, we did such a crap job, but Ma loved it. She made dad put
it on a post first thing that morning.

  My brother stretches his legs and makes to get out. Ma and Dad are already running out the door and down the steps of the white two-story colonial. Ma is crying of course, wrapping her arms around his neck and kissing his cheeks.

  Even our hard ass father has a few wet streaks on his face as he pats Nate on the back gruffly. “Welcome home, son.” His brown eyes crinkle as he tries to hide his tears.

  Only thing missing is Joe JR. It still doesn’t seem real that he’s gone.

  I trail behind, following them inside.

  Fake flower arrangements from the funeral are still on display, Ma won’t part with them. Cards of condolences also clutter the coffee table in the living room as though Joe just died. Dad sits in his recliner, Nate takes up the loveseat, leaving me to sit on the couch with Ma.

  Pictures of our youth paper the walls. I don’t miss being dressed to match my twin. Ma always loved buying us matching Dick and Jane outfits.

  “Is your bag in the car?” Ma asks.

  “Nah, it’s at the apartment. I just came over to grab some things and pick up my bike. I’m eager to pick up where Joe left off with the business. I’m sure Nattie could use a break. I take it she’s been running things alone since everything.”

  “Nonsense, you’re staying here tonight. I’m cooking your favorite. We have people coming.”

  “Damn it, Ma!” Nate snaps. “I’m not in the mood for that.”

  Her chin trembles with unshed tears. My brother shoves up from his chair, stomping through the house, and going out the back door.

  “Let me go,” I tell her, raising from my chair before she can charge after him.

  Out back, I find him on his knees at Joe JR’s grave. I hang back a minute giving him this moment to be alone and accept that our brother is truly gone.

  Chapter 7

  Nate

  Gasping for air, I rush out the back door clutching my chest. Across the patio I see my brother’s grave in the family cemetery, solidifying he’s gone. I walk over and fall to my knees at his headstone. “Joe,” I grit out. “What were you thinking, brother? You always were stubborn. You aren’t here to take the focus off me and my fuck ups. I need you.”

  Tracing my fingers over the edges of his name on the marble, I wish like hell I was lying here instead of him. Joe JR was the good kid, the one who was meant to have a good life, making our family proud. Not me, I’m the screw up.

  He should be here now living out his life. If I could trade places with him I would.

  I can’t help but wonder if he knew he was dying when it happened? I wonder what he was thinking about. Was he thinking about Audrey and the future they would never share? My lip twitches thinking about how nervous he had to have been when he asked Ma for our grandmother’s ring. He was always a momma’s boy, so eager to please and do the right and expected thing. We were nothing alike, Joe JR and me, but he was my best friend and I loved my brother dearly.

  I don’t know how to be here in this house and not have him around. Seeing his grave makes the reality settle in in a way but at the same time I still feel as though he went on a trip or some shit.

  “I saw your girl this morning. I can see why you fell for her. She’s a beauty. I don’t think she cares much for my ugly mug,” I joke, knowing he’d find it funny under different circumstances that seeing me had her fleeing the room.

  Natalie places a hand on my shoulder and I grip it tight. She doesn’t say a word. She doesn’t need to. We stay silent, the two of us, sharing in our grief for our brother.

  I make a silent vow to myself that I will find a way to honor my brother’s memory.

  “What times this shindig kicking off?”

  “Around five or so. If you don’t want to go through with it…Ma will understand. She is just excited to have you back.”

  I know she is. I feel like an ass. I didn’t mean to snap at her, but I don’t need a bunch of fuckers that barely know me making over me like I'm some sort of Goddamn hero or telling me how sorry they are about Joe. I hate that fake sympathy bullshit. Because that is all it is—shit.

  “Tell Ma I’ll be back for her dinner party.”

  “Sure thing. Ride safe.”

  My sister knows me better than I know myself most days. Twin-intuition or some shit.

  Back inside, I find my keys on the hook by the garage door. I don’t waste anytime firing my girl up and hitting the road.

  Gravel flies behind me as I punch it and swerve onto the main road with no idea of where I’m riding to. I just need a moment to myself before I have to put on a show for Ma and her friends. Easing back into civilian life isn’t easy.

  I drive around Clemons in search of something, but I don’t know what. I drive past my old high school, recalling how most of my teacher’s passed me just to get rid of me. I was a terrible student. No matter how many times my folks threatened me, I’d skip class and get high any chance I got. I was on a fast track to nowhere fast. Ma threatened to ship me off a few times, but I knew she’d never go through with it.

  After driving around aimlessly I end up at the bar and hanging with Lewis. I forgot how much fun the dude is for a laugh. He shows me the ropes of running the bar.

  I am really impressed that Nattie has been handling this on her own since Joe passed away. She never was big on commitments or following through. I’m sure our brother put most of this in order, but it makes me proud that she has been holding shit down.

  I can tell Lewis has something on his mind. We’ve been shooting the shit behind the bar. Him pointing out the locals, telling me I will learn their names and faces soon enough.

  “Out with it, man. You have something you want to say to me.”

  “I just want you to take it slow, no need to dive in head first and overwhelm yourself is all. I’m just saying I got you is all.”

  “Appreciate it, but I’m good. I need to jump in and get into a routine.”

  He’s serving drinks and I take this time to get to know the faces of my employees and our usual customers. I’m doing good, nothing is setting off my anxiety, until Audrey comes out of the kitchen and stares at me. I try my best to ignore her, but every breath I take I can feel her watching me, studying me, mentally comparing me to my brother.

  My skin begins to crawl and the room grows smaller with every breath I take.

  It’s too much, I feel as if I am drowning under her scrutiny. I can’t stop looking at her either though. My mind seems to think we know each other. I keep trying to place her face. Trying to remember where I have seen her before.

  Taking a deep breath, I attempt to stay in control, doing the breathing exercises my therapist told me to implement when I feel overwhelmed.

  However, my brother’s girl is everywhere I go. I even see her peeping from the backdoor when I throw out the trash.

  I wait a few minutes and go to the employee bathroom to wash my hands and splash some water on my face. When I come out she is outside the door, going into the DJ booth.

  Having had enough, I snap. “What the fuck do you keep starting at me for?”

  She doesn’t answer me and continues to gawk, even though the bar has gone quiet and everyone is watching, waiting for something more to happen.

  I try to ignore her and go back to serving beer from the tap.

  I can feel her eyes piercing my skin. And now that I know she is continually watching me, I find myself stealing glances at her too. She’s gorgeous. Physically, she’s everything I would go for in a woman. It surprises me in a way that she was with my brother because he normally had a thing for blondes. The more I study her, the more I don’t like the way she makes me feel. I don’t want to find her attractive, but I do. Now I can’t stop staring at her and it is pissing me off. The way her skirt she’s wearing hugs her hips. The way she keeps brushing her long dark hair behind her ear when it gets caught in her hoop earring. She has a freckle under her left eye. I’m noticing every tiny detail about her, filing it to memory, w
ondering how much of my brother she sees when she steals a glance at me.

  I’m not used to being so affected by a woman. She shoots me a friendly smile and I don’t like this at all. I don’t want to be her friend. She shouldn’t be getting under my skin, but she is. She was my brother’s’ girlfriend, she shouldn’t be looking at me like she wants to jump my bones. And I damn sure shouldn’t be enjoying the attention.

  I walk out from behind the bar, grab her by her elbow, and pull her down the hall where the bathrooms are. She comes without hesitation, letting me pull her into the privacy of the storeroom for the mops and other cleaning supplies.

  I flip on the light still holding onto her, gripping one of her shoulders. Only now that we are closed up in the small room together do I catch her scent. She smells of fresh honeysuckle. Delicious. Her sad green eyes try to hold me captive as she longs for my brother. I shake my head, I’m not Joe JR, and I never will be.

  I won’t be any man’s stand in.

  “Look, it’s Audrey, right?” I try to be nice and keep my cool.

  Her lashes flutter and she smiles faintly. Her beauty steals my breath away and I am hit with a sense of Déjà vu. I suck in a deep breath. She doesn’t need to be looking at me like I’m her lifeline. I’m nobody’s hero.

  “I’m not Joe. I’m not that sweet man. I’m an asshole. I don’t give a shit about your feelings, or the fact that he was supposedly going to marry you. I don’t need you staring at me. I don’t need you hating me for having a face like his. I don’t need your self-pity bullshit. So stay out of my way and I’ll do my best to stay of yours.” I know it sounds harsh, but she needs to be clear that I won’t have her following me around like a lost puppy.