The Weight Of Us Read online

  Later on, when I am all cried out, a hand touches my back, and for one fleeting moment I could swear it’s Joey. But in my heart of hearts I know it isn’t.

  Lewis. He hugs me briefly.

  “Nat and Gertie want to see him. Big Joe will be here soon. Let’s go to the chapel.”

  I nod, but I know my prayers won’t be heard. There is no point in praying for a miracle that won’t come to fruition.

  I can’t bear to meet my best friend’s eyes as I pass by her in the hall. I want to lunge at her and hit her so fucking hard, but I don’t. But God do I just want to hit something...someone. I want someone to pay.

  Chapter 3

  Audrey

  The funeral was a blur. I hardly remember the service. I barely remember the past month. Joey, my lover and my friend is gone. I can’t recall the last time I left our apartment. I live off of takeout I order in and have delivered plus the leftovers Natalie leaves by the door. I know what happened wasn’t her fault, but I can’t stand the sight of her. Nat is supposed to be my best friend. Hearing that my boyfriend, her brother wanted to propose marriage should have made her happy for me, for both of us.

  Why didn’t she keep her ill thoughts to herself? Why did she need to voice them to Joey right before the most important moment of his career? Hugging his shirt to my nose, I inhale deeply. His smell is fading away. I throw it to the side and try a different one. Tears burn at he creases of my eyes, but I bite them back. Joey is fading away.

  How do I go on with my life without him? Where do I go from here? Joey was the center of my world and without him I have nothing.

  No hope.

  No love.

  No future.

  **

  One week later

  Rolling over, I rub my temples as a loud banging noise ensues. It takes me a moment to realize that the pounding isn’t inside my head. Someone is knocking on the door.

  “Open up, Audrey or I am using my key,” I hear Gertie shout from the hall.

  Ugh. What does she want?

  I shuffle to the door, stepping over all the random crap in the floor. Old takeout containers. Wine bottles. Dirty clothes. “Whatta ya want?” I croak.

  The handle jiggles. I hear keys rattling.

  God. “Fine.” I undo the lock and let the door fall open.

  “Good god,” she mutters as she pushes her way to the living room.

  I arch a brow. “What are you doing here?”

  “Came to check in on you. Nattie says you’ve not been leaving the apartment.”

  “Why do you care?”

  “Audrey, honey. Joey wouldn’t want this for you. He’d want you to live your life and maybe take a bath and wash the sheets.” She stares past me to the bare mattress in the bedroom.

  I plop down in an arm chair. “Who are you, my mother?” I snort with a roll of my eyes.

  “No and thank God for that, but my Joe JR loved you and that makes you a part of my family whether either of us like it or not. So, get up and get in the shower. I’m going to start picking up.” Her top lip curls as she bends down to pick up a beer bottle.

  “I don’t want to. And I don’t need you cleaning up after me.” I fold my arms across my chest, wishing she’d leave.

  “Listen, young lady, and listen good. You are going to march your ass in there and wash it. If I have to strip you down and shove you in I will. But this is still my son’s home and business. I’ll be damned if you’re going to ruin it.” She wags her finger at me and I am partly in shock and partly impressed that she is cursing at me. I never thought she had it in her.

  “Chop. Chop.” She claps her hands and I wince as my headache returns.

  **

  I don’t get why I need to be here. Joey and I weren’t married. I wasn’t even aware that he had a Will. Gertie found a copy of the documents in the safe in the bedroom closet when she came over to light a fire under my ass. God the woman drives me mad. Always calling me. Always asking how I’m doing. I don’t know why she bothers. Why can’t she leave me to wallow until I shrivel into nothing and fade away.

  “Mr. Reyes will see you know,” the secretary tells Gertie.

  We all raise from our seats. Natalie, Gertie, Big Joe, and me. We are minus, Nate, Joey’s brother. He is still serving his tour of duty. I’ve never met him, but I have seen some photographs. He’s Natalie’s twin but he resembles Joey more.

  I follow the family into the meeting room and take a seat toward the other end of the table.

  “Come on, Audrey. This involves you.” Gertie bosses me. The woman hates me. I don’t know why she is pretending today.

  The attorney goes over the basic stuff, explaining legal jargon that I ignore for the most part. Things don’t get interesting until he reads the Will.

  Turns out Joey left everything to me. His apartment. His hare of the bar. He updated everything six months before he passed away. The family is arguing about buying me out as though I am not even sitting here. As though Joey didn’t entrust me to see his dream through.

  Everyone is talking at once. “Audrey can’t manage a bar. She should sell her share to Nate and Nat. If she wants to live in the apartment she should start paying rent…”

  They are so invested in screaming at one another that they don’t even notice when I slip out the door and hail a cab to drive me home.

  I’ve not been inside the bar since that day. The day of the accident. The day I lost Joey.

  Standing outside of the building I have called home for two years I can’t believe I’m now a part owner. My smile is a bittersweet one. Joey loved me enough to leave me his baby. He really did want to marry me and build a future together.

  I walk in and see a familiar sight. Lewis tending the bar and Sasha waiting tables. Only thing missing is Joey back in the office crunching numbers.

  “Hey stranger.” Lewis shoots me a smile. “What brings your sassy ass out on a Friday night?”

  I take a seat at the end of the bar hating that Joey won’t be joining me. I shrug my shoulders and look around the room, I helped him create this space. The artwork on the walls, we shopped for it together. This was his baby, our dream together.

  “Can I ask you something?”

  Lewis holds up a finger and finishes up with the drink order he is filling. He winks at me while getting his flirt on with the girl ordering the drinks. She has no shot in hell, but she doesn’t know that and Lewis needs the tips. After swiping and returning her card he motions to one of the girls to watch the bar. Then he grabs us both a beer, comes around the bar, and grabs the stool next to mine. “What’s on your mind?”

  “Did you know Joey left everything to me?” I watch out of the corner of my eye for his reaction. Lewis had made no secret of wanting to be a partner. He has offered to buy out Nate’s share several times being he has never even seen the place. Well, not in person.

  Sputtering, he spits out his drink. I pat him on the back as eh gets choked. “Sorry,” he croaks.

  I shrug and offer him a weak smile. “That was my reaction too.”

  “You know I adore you, but damn I wasn’t expecting that.”

  “Me either.” I sigh, leaning my head on his shoulder.

  I finish my beer and head upstairs to clean up my mess and possibly my life.

  I feel like I am floating. Coasting from one moment to the next.

  The next day Natalie knocks on my door. Part of me doesn’t want to let her in, but I hate the divide that has been pushing us apart since the day Joey passed. It’s simply been hard to look at her and not want to blame her for fighting with him. The logical part of me knows she had no control of the chain of reactions that were set in motion. She’s my best friend and I miss her.

  “Hey,” she sighs as I open the door.

  “Hi.” I offer a weak smile in return.

  Following me to the kitchen quietly, she then takes up a stool.

  “Coffee?”

  “Sure. Thanks.” Things are awkward and stiff between us an
d I hate that this is where we are.

  “So, yesterday was quite the shock, huh?” There is no need in dancing around the elephant in the room. I am sure the reading of the Will is what brought her over.

  “Yeah. Listen, Audrey. I know you’ve been upset with me. But you’ve got to know that what happened was a freak accident.”

  I know she is right. Joey shouldn’t have been walking across that street, but he was distracted by their fight. “Nattie, why didn’t you want your brother to marry me?” I need her to be honest with me.

  She goes quiet for a minute before answering, tucking her hair behind her ear. I pour us both a cup of coffee, needing something to keep me from saying or doing something I can’t take back.

  “It wasn’t that I didn’t approve. You know I adore you and I loved you and Joe together. I just wasn’t sure if you were ready for that step. I was out of line. I’m so sorry for that. If I could go back and change that day I would in a heartbeat. You have to know I’d do anything to bring my brother back.”

  I nod and take a sip from my cup of caffeinated goodness.

  “About the business. We had never really discussed the future or anything like that, so it came as a shock to all of us that Joe left everything to you. Of course, it will be a few months before everything clears. I talked Ma out of contesting Joe JR’s wishes. For now, things will continue as they did before.”

  “I’m cool with that.”

  “So…are we good? Are we okay?”

  “We’re good. I do need your help with something.”

  “Sure. Whatever you need. Name it.”

  “Can you help me pack up some of Joey’s things? I just thought maybe it’d help if I do something productive.” My hand trembles at the thought of clearing out Joey’s stuff but it is only things and things will never replace his memory.

  Chapter 4

  Natalie

  Two months later...

  “I mean look at her,” Lewis says bumping his shoulder against mine. “She is just so...”

  “Sad,” I finish for him.

  Audrey is on stage her head is hanging from the floor upside down as she belts out Bohemian Rhapsody, “Nothing...matters.” Last month was her and Joe’s moving in together anniversary. She had been doing somewhat okay. At least I thought she was. I’ve been so busy with the business, I haven’t been as good of a friend as she’s needed me to be. It’s been hard handling most the workload myself, as far as the daily ins and outs of running the bar. I’m doing twice the work. It was easier when Joe was here. He did the books. Now it all falls on my shoulders. I’m exhausted. Lewis is a huge help, but things aren’t the same.

  She begins to howl like a dying cat and then screams, “Eat me all of you, you’re all zombies.” Then she drops the Mic and passes out. Lovely.

  “You know I love our girl, but she’s hurting the business. She is running off what little customers we get out the door.” He motions dramatically to the group shaking their heads as they walk out the door.

  “I know, but it’s only been a few months. There isn’t a time limit on grief.” I wish I could help her. We all miss him, but it’s different for us. He was planning to propose the day he died, and I just had to open my mouth for Audrey to hear. I had to open my mouth, and start a fight with my brother, and he had to go and get killed. I hate him so much for putting that on my shoulders. I mean, I know he didn’t knowingly walk into the street knowing he was going to die, but it’s easier to be angry with him. He isn’t here to tell me I’m wrong.

  “I just want things back the way they were you know,” Lewis says squeezing my shoulder. “I’ll get her upstairs.”

  I grab his hand. “I don’t know what we’d do without you.”

  “Look like that,” he says with a chuckle, pointing to Audrey.

  I watch Lewis and Freddie try to pick her up. Audrey breaks my heart. Her head lolls to the side as Lewis cradles her in his embrace like a child. Freddie walks ahead of him opening the doors for him. It’s a familiar sight. We go through this routine a few nights a week.

  Some days are better than others. She seems to do better when Ma is here, but I think it is only because Ma scares her. She doesn’t take any shit and won’t put up with Audrey’s shenanigans and pity parties. She puts Audrey in her place, but she also calls to check on her often. I think Ma cares for Audrey more than she likes to admit.

  They have a love/hate relationship, like most mothers and daughters. I think Audrey has grown to count on her too. She doesn’t have any family here, but us.

  “Sasha, go ahead and start closing out your drawer. Freddie can help you lock up tonight.”

  She nods, and I go into the office to call Ma.

  “Hey Ma, you heard from Nate yet?”

  Nate is short for Nathan, but no one calls him that. My other brother, my twin, is due home any minute now. I am picking him up from the train station whenever he gets in. His phone kept cutting out and I didn’t catch his arrival time. I have missed him so damn much. He wasn’t able to make it home for the funeral. I know it hurt him to not be here. He needed to stay where he was though.

  “Yeah, he should be getting in around 10 AM. You sure you want to pick him up. Dad and me are anxious to wrap our arms around him. It’s been too long.”

  “Yeah, I want to talk to him about Joe JR and things first. Twin stuff.” I smile faintly. Nate is my other half. Part of me has been missing since he enlisted.

  “Okay, drive safe and come straight here after your talk.”

  “Love you, Ma.”

  “Love you too, baby girl. How’s Audrey?”

  “The same, worse. I don’t know, Ma—I worry about her. She loved Joe JR so much. I wish...”

  “I know you do,” she cuts me off. “Can’t go back. We can only move forward. Now I know she’s your friend and I know I haven’t been Audrey’s biggest fan. I know she’s hurting, but I don’t want her ruining Nate’s coming home party,” she gripes. “She needs to get her shit together.”

  “Yeah, Ma. I know. I’ll handle it.”

  I groan after we hang up. No one can handle Audrey. She’s a free spirit, who loves hard and hurts deep. We all hurt, we all miss Joe and wish he were here, but no one more so than Audrey.

  I am afraid of what seeing Nate will do to her. He’s my twin, but him and Joe looked so much alike. More than we ever did. I’ll prepare her for seeing him in the morning. She’s seen pictures but seeing him in person is something else.

  **

  “Hey, I am on my way out to pick up Nate. Are you sure you’re okay to run the bar?”

  Audrey nods her head, but she has that lost dead expression in her eyes. Today is not going to be a good one for her.

  “I don’t know if Nate will want to come by here today but if he does I want you to prepare yourself for seeing him. Him and Joe looked more like twins than Nate and me. I just don’t want you to get freaked out.”

  “I’m good. I swear. Besides, Lewis is working today.”

  Bless him. I hope they don’t fight. Lewis is losing his patience with her. I understand where he is coming from but at the same time Joe was my brother and he’d want us to all be here for Audrey in her time of need.

  Chapter 5

  Nate

  Coming home is nothing like I was expecting. I thought I would be getting to have a beer with my brother, but life had other plans. I always thought I’d be the one to die. Joe JR was the smart one growing up. He did everything he was supposed to while I was always getting into trouble. He talked me into enlisting. Said it would give me the discipline I needed and save Ma from a broken heart. I just knew that one day out on patrol I’d drive over an IED and lose a limb or get blown to pieces. I have seen it happen enough times. I’ve witnessed a lot of bad shit I wish I could forget. Dead babies, fallen soldiers. I shake my head and try not to think about the visions that keep me from getting any sleep. They haunt me nightly. Being over there during the war…it was a damn nightmare.

  I d
on’t know what made me think catching a train home was a good idea. Every screech has me gripping the edge of my leather seat and gritting my teeth, while praying I don’t freak the fuck out. I was officially diagnosed with PTSD before I was discharged and put on medication to help me cope with life. But I hate taking that shit, it makes me feel like a Goddamn zombie. However, I shake out a few pills into my palm and toss them down my throat, so I can make it home without an incident.

  I hate being this way—depending on pills…going to therapy. It’s all bullshit. Nothing can change what I saw over there. Nothing can change the fact that my brother, my best friend in life won’t be waiting to greet me when I exit this train.

  When I enlisted, he was so damn proud of me. Told me I was doing the right thing. That Ma would be so proud seeing me in my uniform. Seeing me become a real man.

  The train finally comes to a stop. I grab my duffel bag and step onto the platform where my twin sister, Natalie, is waiting for me. First she smiles and then she cries before wrapping her arms around me. “Welcome home, Nate.” Her hair gets tangled in my dog tags and she giggles.

  “Nattie,” I choke out needing her hug more than she knows. Being home is bittersweet. Joe should be here too. I can’t believe he’s really gone. His death still hasn’t actually hit me. I keep waiting for him to jog across the platform and make a wisecrack about my buzz cut. Telling me my ears stick out too much and I will never get laid with a mug as ugly as mine even though we could pass for identical twins.

  “Come on let’s get out of here.” My sister wipes at her eyes and her nose.

  “I figured we could run by the bar and I can show you your apartment. Maybe introduce you to Audrey and the crew. Ya know before Ma gets a hold of ya.”

  “Sure, sounds good.” I don’t tell her what I could use is a cold one to take the edge off.

  I follow Natalie to her Toyota. I can’t wait to get back on my bike. I haven’t ridden it in two years. Every time I would get set to come home, something would come up, and it would make more sense for me to wait. Joe JR always swore that he would get a Harley too and we’d go on the road together. And now that I am home it’s too late and my brother is gone. We lost three years that we won’t get to make up. Time waits for no one. I missed our grandfather’s funeral and now I missed out saying goodbye to my brother, my best friend. I want to see the place that I am to call home, but I don’t know how I am going to deal not having Joe around. Sure, I’ve been away while I was enlisted and serving my tour of duty, but this is Clemons, where I grew up, with my brother by my side.