The Weight Of Us Read online

“Nope, not a peep. Come on, I’m famished. I’ll grab our bags after we eat.” He smiles at me, his cheeks sun kissed from our trip. He’s finally starting to tan. He got burnt the first day on the beach with his fair hair and pale skin. A few freckles are sprinkled across the bridge of his nose, reminding me of when we were kids, and he’d ride his bicycle over to play with the boys.

  Inside, my father is in the recliner reading some finance book. Not a good sign. He never reads. I mentally prepare myself for Ma to yell at me for wanting to move in with Trey. Like she somehow knows already and is already settled on telling me all the reasons we need to wait.

  I want to be with Trey. I do.

  It isn’t a question of not loving him, I’m scared he will hurt me again.

  My brother is camped out on the loveseat drinking a beer. I guess Lewis and Audrey are running the bar. I can’t wait to tell Audrey about our trip and give her the gifts I bought her. They aren’t much, a few shot glasses and some t-shirts. I know she’ll love them though.

  Dad and Nate say brief hellos. I shuffle towards the aroma of food wafting from the kitchen, with Trey in tow.

  Ma has homemade lasagna, garlic bread, and a bowl of salad waiting on the counter. We wash our hands in the half-bathroom by the garage before fixing our plates. It appears Dad and Nate already ate, by the missing half of the food. Ma goes behind us getting a plate of her own.

  Once we get seated at the dining room table and start to eat, the rest of the family joins us. The three of them, my parents, and my brother are being so weird. It’s kind of creeping me out.

  “Have you set a date for the wedding?” Ma questions before taking a bite.

  Trey steals a glance at me just as baffled as I am, and I answer for us. “What wedding? We want to take our time. No need to rush.” I hope she isn’t going to argue with me. I know no one loves planning a party like Ma, but she’s not going to win on this. Trey squeezes my hand hopeful that I mean it.

  Ma claps her hands together. “Good. We got other priorities right now.”

  Her agreeing throws me off and leaves me feeling offended.

  “Really? Such as?” I wait for her to explain, but before she can talk the doorbell rings.

  “I’ll get it,” Nate offers.

  I cast a glance in his direction as he rises and see the dark circles under his eyes. I hope he’s not having issues. What if my leaving put too much stress and pressure on him?

  He returns with none other than Lewis. Now I am really intrigued.

  Lewis trudges into the kitchen to grab a plate.

  “Is Audrey running the bar?” I ask, wondering if she’s going to turn up at any minute too. My brother avoids my eyes and our dad clears his throat.

  I swallow my bite of garlic bread and chase it with some sweet tea. “What? Is something wrong with Audrey? Y’all are freaking me out.”

  Trey continues to eat oblivious that anything is wrong, he’s too busy stuffing his mouth to see I am about to be hit with bad news. He’s still gloating over the fact my parents don’t care if we move into together out of wedlock.

  Its Lewis that answers as he sits down with his food. “She’s gone.”

  The bite of food I swallowed threatens to make its way back up my throat. “Gone. What? What do you mean she’s gone?” I know I didn’t call and check in on her, but Ma assured me she would look out for her and the bar.

  “As in she took off,” my brother clarifies.

  “Well, where is she now?” I’m getting annoyed with all this beating around the bush business.

  “We don’t know,” Ma pipes in. “But we need to find her and bring her back. She’s making a mistake. Her place is here with us. We’re her family.” She stresses the word family and I snort.

  “Yeah, because you made her feel so welcome.” I shake my head.

  “That’s enough, Nattie. Audrey is a part of our family. It may have taken me time to accept her, but I do care about her,” Ma argues.

  “So why did she take off, what did you all do to her?”

  I give them all an evil eye except for Dad, he was always good to Audrey, and went above and beyond to make her feel welcome and wanted.

  Bowser, our family dog curls up under my feet, and I sneak him a piece of my bread. I no longer have an appetite.

  Chapter 18

  Nate

  Scrubbing my hands over my face, I admit that I was the reason Audrey left. I pushed her too hard, too soon. Sleeping with her was a mistake. I don’t regret the night we shared, but I should have waited. I should have taken my time with her. She wasn’t ready for what I want to give her.

  I fucked up.

  After we had sex, she darted to the bathroom, and wouldn’t come back out. I could hear her sobbing on the other side of the door. I tried to give her some privacy. I tried to be the man she needed but her sobs triggered me. I freaked and kicked the door in to get to her.

  I only wanted her to stop crying. I couldn’t bear the sound knowing I was the cause of her pain. I simply wanted to make her pain go away, but she only yelled at me, and then she smacked me.

  She screamed in my face telling me we were horrible people and should be ashamed of ourselves. I stupidly told her I wanted to be with her. I told she was mine and she would always be mine and she smacked me again.

  It was like a light switch flickering off and on. I couldn’t control myself. I grabbed her from the toilet and shook her. I didn’t mean to. However, the damage was done.

  She was terrified of me.

  I never meant to hurt her, or to make her afraid of me.

  All I wanted was for her to see that we should be together. That deep down I think Joe would want us to be happy and live our lives.

  I don’t deserve her, but God do I want her.

  I’ve tried finding her, but she doesn’t want to be found. I’m a damn mess without her.

  I know we haven’t known each other long but when you know that someone is the one you are meant to be with losing them guts you. It rips you in two. I never dreamt I’d find somebody like her. A woman who drives me wild and gets under my skin in every possible way, but I did. I need Audrey. Fate…destiny…the universe pushed us together not once but twice.

  We are supposed to be together.

  Ma, Lewis, Dad, and now Trey and Natalie know what I did.

  I feel so ashamed.

  I need her to know I’m sorry. I am so damn sorry. If I could go back and change how I went about it all I would. I’d give anything to hold her once more. To taste her lips. To feel her body tremble under my touch.

  I can’t eat.

  I can’t sleep.

  I just want to go back to that night, when it was raining, and see her look at me like she did before I ruined it all. In the rain nothing else mattered but us. There was nothing between us. Nothing to get in the way of what we both wanted. There was the rain and there was her. All I could ever want or need. Simply Audrey.

  My sister squeezes my hand. “I’ll find her and talk to her, I promise you, Nate. We will fix this.” Her words say one thing, but her eyes portray something else entirely. Anger.

  Something tells me my sister has some choice words for me, and she is choosing not to use them at the dinner table.

  She shoves her plate away unable to finish her food.

  “I’ve looked all over town for her, she isn’t at any of the hotels,” Lewis says.

  The memory of the first night we met strikes me and suddenly I know where to look. I know where Audrey would run to. Legacy.

  “I know where she went,” I tell them, and everyone jumps up at once, ready to go after her. I love them all for it, but I need to do this myself. “I need to go alone,” I tell them, hoping they’ll understand.

  “Nonsense, you did enough damage. We’re all coming. Let’s go,” Ma orders, not having it any other way. We all load up in her Escalade to go after Audrey.

  I can only hope I’m right and she’s at Motel 6 or Dusty Rose’s Bar.

  T
he drive to Legacy doesn’t take long, but every second feels like an hour. I go into Dusty’s first with Natalie at my side.

  We split at the bar to cover more ground faster. My heart is thumping out of my chest, my palms are slick with sweat.

  I buy a beer and question the bartender. He says he hasn’t seen her. I get the feeling he’s lying, but I have no choice but to move on to the Motel.

  Stepping outside, I decide to walk needing the fresh air to help me breathe. I can feel my anxiety bubbling in my chest. I took my pill this morning, but I don’t feel like it is helping at all. I talked to my therapist yesterday and she wants me to get a therapy dog, for emotional support.

  Natalie gets in the car with everyone else, respecting my need for a moment alone.

  My family follows me, driving along the sidewalk, staring at me with pity masked on their faces. I wish they’d go get a coffee or something. I shove my hands in my pockets to stop from tapping my fingers against my thighs as I walk.

  Ma parks off to the side, Trey and Lewis are checking the lot for Audrey’s car while I go into the office to ask about her.

  The night desk clerk is an older woman with thin grey hair. She looks up from her crossword puzzle and I ask her if a woman meeting Audrey’s description has gotten a room recently.

  “She has dark brown hair, that hangs past her shoulders. Her eyes are the prettiest shade of green, like the green of a forest on the first day of spring.”

  “Sorry.” She frowns. “I don’t pay much attention and my eyes aren’t good. If you’ll excuse me, I have to go the bathroom for about five minutes.” She drops her pen on the guestbook with a wink, and I smile faintly as she shuffles to the bathroom.

  I look down at the pages scanning the signatures quickly, hoping and praying to see her name. I don’t find it, but there is a signature that isn’t legible.

  She may have signed while she was still upset. With a small shred of hope and my only clue, I join the guys back at the car.

  “We found her car, parked at the back of the building,” Trey tells me.

  “Go get our girl,” Lewis encourages me, clamping his hand down on my shoulder. “We’ll be here waiting for you. Both of you.”

  I nod with a grin, glad that they are here to support me as much as they drive me nuts.

  I jog around the building wishing on a star that Audrey is here, and she can find it in her heart to forgive me. I didn’t mean to hurt her. It’s the last thing I ever wanted.

  I can’t let her go. We’re meant to be. I love her. I have fallen so fast and hard for her I don’t know which way is up.

  I round the building and see her car parked in the middle, in front of the rooms on the bottom floor. I look at the windows, most of them have the curtains drawn shut, except one room. The curtains are parted enough to let a little light spill through.

  Gathering my strength and courage, I prepare to knock on the door. I faced many enemies while serving my country, but none of my training could have ever prepared me to face Audrey right now.

  I knock on the door and step to the side, afraid if she sees me through the peephole she won’t answer. If this is even her room. I’ll knock on every door and wait all night if I have to.

  Whatever it takes. I’m not leaving here without her.

  The curtain moves in the window, then the door creaks open slightly.

  A rain I wasn’t expecting starts pouring down.

  I chuckle softly at the timing as she says, “Who’s there?”

  “Audrey, it’s me…Nate. Can we talk? Please.”

  She peers through the crack at me, and I can see she’s only dressed in a thin cream lace camisole and matching panties. I have to fight the urge to adjust my dick.

  “You see me so talk,” she tells me not budging an inch.

  I nod and swallow. She won’t make it easy on me. Not that I expected her to. Nothing with us has been easy.

  “I’m sorry, I fucked up. I know I pushed you too hard too soon. I scared you away, and the way I feel so strongly for you scares me too. But my feelings for you are the only thing that makes sense. I need you in my life, however you’ll allow me to be in yours. If you don’t want to be with me, I’ll back off, but you can’t tell me you don’t feel something for me too.”

  She cracks the door open a bit more.

  “Nathan, I don’t know what you expect from me. I’m fucked up. We both are.”

  She’s never called me Nathan before, and I smile loving the way it sounds coming from her lips.

  I rest my arm against the door, edging my foot in the doorway to prevent her from shutting me out. She moves over, staring past me. My crazy family is standing behind me in the rain. Ma included.

  “Come home, Audrey,” Ma calls to her.

  Audrey shakes her head with a sarcastic laugh.

  “Nate…”

  “Audrey…” I don’t wait for her to say anything more. I push the door open, stepping into the room, wrapping my arms around her, kissing her like I own her, because I do. Her tongue sweeps along mine and I feel a peace I never knew I was missing until her wash over me.

  She’s mine, she was always meant to be mine.

  From the first time we met…until now she was mine, we just didn’t know it yet.

  “Are you crazy,” she says breathily as my family watches the show.

  “Crazy about you. Get dressed, you’re coming home with me.”

  “Nate…” she starts again.

  “Come on already, we’re cold and wet out here,” Natalie yells through the sheets of rain as they downpour.

  “We’re your family, Audrey, whether you want us or not,” Dad speaks up.

  Audrey snorts and shakes her head. She shoves her hands against my chest. “You scared me, Nathan. Don’t do it again.”

  “I promise, I’ll do better with my medication. I’ll increase my therapy sessions. Whatever you want, I’ll do it. For you.”

  “Not for me, Nathan. For us. All of us.” She nods to my crazy ass family.

  Audrey grabs a pair of flannel bottoms from the bag next to her bed as everyone piles in the room, sopping wet. She goes into the bathroom to dress, and we all stand awkwardly, waiting for her to return.

  Chapter 19

  Audrey

  I’m in the bathroom feeling terrified to leave this tiny room.

  I know Nathan, Nattie, Ma, Joe, Trey, and Lewis are waiting on the other side of the door for me. How can they all be okay with my being with him? Don’t they feel I am trading one son, one brother for another?

  I take a deep breath steadying myself with my palms against the cold ceramic sink. The water drips from the faucet making a plop plop sound as it hits the basin, reminding me of the rain hitting my windowsill.

  I take a few more breaths not knowing what to do. I stare at myself in the mirror, wishing I could talk to Joey. I wish I knew how he felt. Would he be angry? Would he be happy Nathan and I have each other?

  “This is your life now, Audrey,” I tell my reflection. I have to worry about the now. Live in the world around me today. I can’t go back. I can only move forward.

  In the end it doesn’t matter what Joey would think, he isn’t here now, and he isn’t coming back. Maybe it’s too soon, but maybe Nathan was right, I did meet him first. What if fate was trying to tell me something back then? What if the world put me in Joey’s life to lead me back to his brother?

  I believe in serendipity. I believe in Nathan and his love he wants to give me.

  After we had sex and he flipped out one me, I ran. It’s easier to run than face the consequences of what my choices were causing. I knew that he suffers from PTSD. I know he’d never hurt me intentionally.

  I think back to that night, the night we met for the first time.

  I remember his smile, and how sweet he was for those fleeting minutes I knew him. I remember wishing I could see him again, even though I didn’t know his name. Maybe that’s why I was so drawn to Joey, he reminded me of Nathan.
r />   The war changed Nathan, made him hard, made him hurt.

  We all have scars, some deeper than others. I have to let down my walls and let go of my fears if I ever want to be happy with anyone.

  With Nathan.

  With myself.

  I don’t know if its love we feel for each other, maybe someday.

  For now, all I can do is offer him the pieces of me that are left.

  I walk back into the room, my bag is already packed, and in his hand. Everyone else is gone.

  “Ma went to check you out.” He dangles my keys in his other hand. “You ready?”

  “As ready as I’ll ever be.” I slip my shoes on. We run to my car in the rain, getting pelted with the large drops as they splash against our bodies.

  Two months later

  I’m with Nathan at his parent’s house for Natalie and Trey’s engagement party. After seeing that Nathan and I were going to make things work, Natalie decided to take a chance at finding her own happiness. Trey got down on one knee for her two weeks ago at the bar. I was scared for him for a minute. I thought she might say no, but as she stood there seeing his love for her in his eyes she said she just knew that he was her one.

  She met his son, Treyton too. We all adore him. He has his daddy’s blond curls and grey eyes. Sometimes Nathan and I babysit so they can go out.

  It feels strange, but it also feels right to be here as Nathan’s date. We’ve gotten a few strange looks from other family members, but Ma, believe it or not, tells me to ignore them.

  We had a good talk, just the two of us a few days ago. She came over and brought me an I’m sorry apology cake. It was a sweet gesture and I know it came from the heart. Three months ago, I would’ve thought it contained poison.

  She apologized for how she treated me when I was with Joey but holds firm she doesn’t believe we were right for each other. Part of me believes her. The part of me that believes in fate.

  Nathan’s eyes find mine from across the yard. He makes his way to me, and we go over to Joey’s grave together.

  I’ve not visited Joey’s grave since he died. It was too hard to think of him lying here in the ground.